Is There a Shortage of Good Black Men?

A book by Aaron Anwar Smith

Aside from the Babysitters Club Book #4 in the 2nd grade I have never so eagerly anticipated the release of a book. If the title doesn't grab you the artist book description sure will:

Is There a Shortage of Good Black Men? is a book created to empower African-American relationships. Within its contents, the book strongly supports the significance of reinforcing all associated truths and dispels every myth created against the unification of Black men and women. From historical facts rarely discussed within homes and social settings, to easy-to-use techniques and methods; the book brings direct attention to a wide variety of issues related to the idea of there being a shortage of good Black Men.

Is There a Shortage of Good Black Men? reinforces and teaches techniques that will bring success to women longing to build a supportive foundation in quality relationships with worthy and available Black men. The techniques will assist increase greater communication, encourage forgiveness, and establish trust; which inherently promote and reinforce the union between Black men and women.

With chapter titles like How to Find and Keep a Good Black Man, The Twelve Most Popular Myths About Black Men, and We Need Each Other-Issues Close to Home be sure that all of the ladies at Cocoa Chicks are checking our mailboxes for those advance copies.

Visit www.ShortageofMen.com and you'll get a sense of the passion the author feels about this topic. You can also purchase 1st Edition online if you just can't wait for the 2nd Edition to be released to a retailer near you.

Be sure this will not be the last you hear of Aaron Anwar Smith on this blog.

Marriage eludes high-achieving black women

Ladies Please read this article and give me your thoughts.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32379727/ns/health-sexual_health/

Let's debate this one!

What do our Mother's Know about Relationships?

I was watching an episode of Tiny & Toya. The episode I am speaking about is when Tiny drops T.I. off to jail. She comes to her mom's house afterwards and discusses with her mom her sadness about TIP being in jail. What shocked me the most was that her mom was actually supportive. Her mom tells her to stick by her man and love him through this process. I have laughed about the countriness of Tiny and her mom but I also envy the connection they have. Her mom has taught her daughter how to be a supportive wife and good mother.

Our mom's are our heroes, confidantes, and at times the wisest person we know. We look up to them as the supreme being of a WOMAN. We have seen them through marraiges, divorces and dating. Why wouldn't they be all knowing when it comes to matters of the heart? Sadly they are not. They are just like our girlfriends that we go to for advice. They don't have all the answers...

Ask yourself these questions:
a.) Does she take her own advice?
b.) Does she have a bitter attitude towards men. If she does, you will be better off doing the opposite of what she tells you. I would compare her to a single girlfriend who can't keep a man.
c.) Look at her marriage. This is the most important. How does she treat her spouse? Is it with love? Are their words of encouragement between them. Do they openly express thier love for each other? Are they affectionate towards each other?

Some mother's teach their daughter to be strong, which is excellent, but at times it can be a downfall. Have we been taught to nurture our men, to love and support them? I was taught to show that I can do it on my own with or without a man. It's good to have some independence but not at the cost of your relationship. It's okay to tell your man you love him and believe in him. It's okay to show him affection when you see him.

Ladies, at the end of the day, when our hearts are broken the easiest person to run to is our mom's. We want them to tell us we are okay. We have to know from the inside that we are okay. If you are in a wonderful relationship that your mom doesn't approve of, you must have that trust within yourself to know that you know yourself better than anyone. Better yet, if you have a break up and your mom tells you not to cry or toughen up please know that it is okay to grieve a lost relationship. It doesn't take your black strong woman card. You will always have that, because it's in your ancestry.

Our mom's do things out of love. I think they become critical when they do not want us to make the same mistakes they did. You are human. You will make mistakes. Mistakes are good. They help us not to navigate back towards that path.

Our mom's love us and will do almost anything to avoid us from being hurt in a relationship. Mom's are humans. We must remember that. They have been hurt, abused, and loved. If your mom can't direct you towards being a strong, nurturing, loving wife and mother, steer clear from her advice. Listen, but listen to your inner self more. Mom's want to always remain our heroes. Take their advice, but with caution.

Jilted Bride Speaks Out

After weeks of tabloids, blogs, speculations and rumors about Kesha Nichols being left at the altar she finally speaks out today on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer. Surprisingly, she looked confident and comfortable talking about her fiance dumping her by email just a few days before the big day.

Do I buy it? Not really. But her side of the story was very interesting. She admits that their 5 year relationship was tumultuous. Filled with constant break ups and discourse. She admits the weekend before the wedding, they broke up again, got back together and had a talk about their reservations about getting married. She also denies being dumped by email but refers to it as "confirming what we already talked about". To me that still sounds like he cancelled the wedding via email.

Kesha appeared bubbly and in good spirit but I couldn't tell how much of it was a front. She talked about the career she gave up giving her all into her relationship with a NBA star, the numerous opportunities she turned down and the amount of money she invested in the relationship. She experienced humiliation in front of the world but claims to not be mad at Richard and that "there are no hard feelings". That he "verbalized what they both knew."
But she did have a positive message to us ladies, "That's my philosophy, just keep dancing for life...Just keep picking up the pieces and keep going."

What do you think about giving up your career? Do you think its a good idea for women who marry a rich man, to give up their dreams?

Divas Dating Guide

Alright ladies. There has been lots of talk about how bad the dating scene is. I hear the quality is bad. The quantity is bad. I hear statements such as 'they're either married, gay or in jail." A lot of you are just down right disappointed with your dating life. Especially here in Atlanta where there's talk of a 17:1 women to men ratio.

I want to help our single sisters out. Here are a few things we think can turn your dormant dating life into an active one.

1. Go where the men go! Women have responded negatively to this suggestion. Some have said that it sounds 'desperate'. No, that's not desperate, that's proactive. You can't complain about being single if you stay in your home everyday or if you go to 'women only' events. Suggestions: Car and Bike shows, sports bars, football games.
2. Always look your best (you should be doing this for yourself anyways). Men are visual beings. If you're walking around looking like his tomboy baby sister, you will not catch his eye. Some of you think naked is synonymous with looking your best or even sexy. THAT IS NOT TRUE! A women can be in a bad a** tailored suit and be the sexiest person in the room.
3. HEELS! HEELS! HEELS! Stilettos at all times. Period. There is a clear difference in what kind of men approach you when you have sneakers or flats on versus stilettos. Again, men are visuals and there is nothing sexier than a chick in stilettos.
4. Be pleasant. We tend to shut men out before anything is said. When you walk in a room you should be smiling and speaking. It's not going to kill you to say "hello". Although they may never admit this, but men get intimidated easy. Help them break the ice by being approachable.
5. Dance when asked. If you're at a night club and the ugly duckling asks you to dance, you should say yes. Stop acting like he asked for your hand in marriage. Other men are paying attention to this. When you're done, say thank you with a SMILE.
6. Get online. Online dating is no longer taboo. There are reputable sites out there you can join. I suggest the ones that charge a fee to be a member. Not $5 a month either. If he's paying for a membership then he probably takes dating seriously. Also, stop believing in the negative stereotypes of online dating. It does not mean your desperate and no, not all men online are serial killers!
7. Be happy single. When something is wrong, you typically try to fix it. This may cause you to be in a rush to be with someone. If men feel like you are pressed to be in a relationship or married, they'll Usain Bolt you - RUN!
8. Love yourself! Men can sniff out a weak women a mile away. They know if you're insecure. Most men are attracted to a confident woman. As cliche-ish as this may sound, but when you're happy on the inside it shows on the outside. It's all about confidence, how you carry yourself and what you exude. That's SWAGGER and they love it!

I'm a firm believer you attract what you give out. So look inside ladies. Maybe you're giving off something that only attracts the men you're complaining about. Now throw on that cute dress, some stilettos and put on that smile and go get 'em!

Former New Jersey Net Star, Richard Jefferson Leaves Bride At The Altar...now THAT'S a flagrant foul!

Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct!

Richard Jefferson, who was recently traded to the San Antonio Spurs, dropped his soon to be beautiful bride and former Net Dancer, Kesha Ni'Cole Nichols, via EMAIL only hours before the big day. Apparently, Kesha had a clue because her family and friends were notified and were not at the swank Mandarin Oriental. The same can't be said for Richard's people because they showed up to the wedding very shocked to find out that their boy was a no-show.

We can only assume what happened and assume why Richard would leave his stunning wife-to-be, but ladies let this be a lesson: IF A MAN AINT READY TO MARRY HE AINT READY TO MARRY! Stop trying to strong-arm them into making you a wife. Stop giving them ultimatums to marry you. Stop rushing them down the damn aisle or find yourself getting Rich Jefferson'd!

I've been hearing people give hm props for not going through it because there are so many men who were to scared to back out, but he didn't. Give me a break! Richard is a coward. He knew before the day of his wedding that he didn't want to marry her. As a matter of fact, he probably knew when he proposed to her. He doesn't deserve any praise because he was 'strong enough to back out.' It takes a real man to follow his instinct from the beginning and not ask if he wasn't ready.

Question: What would you do if you were left at the altar? Could you forgive your fiancee? How would you move on?

Are You Giving Up Too Much Too Soon?

One Tuesday evening I treated my daughter to dinner at a restuarant to spend some quality time together but this was soon interupted by the conversation at the table across the patio.  Here was a young attractive women no more than 21, I assume becasue she had a drink, and a man who appeared to be in his mid thirties.  Aside from the fact that the woman was loud and I barely heard the man say more than two words.  By the end of dinner I knew that the woman had moved to Atlanta from St. Louis and had been here a little over a year.  She had dated an en-con who she and evidently his second baby momma (yes ,two of three, why do I know he has five babies by three different women) were still in love with.  She wants to be a nurse practioner and she works two and three jobs, one of which is at a strip club.  I assertained this is where the man met her, as she talked about how she started out as a server and ended up on the pole on occasion.  I sat concerned not only for my daughter's young ears but also for what this man and everyone around us thought of this woman. 

After an hour of dining I wanted to scream "stop talking, we all know too much about you."  We knew all of her stregnths and all of her weaknesses after one meal.  I thought of the many times I've made that same mistake in the past and how many women were somewhere making the same mistake. So to help out my fellow woman, here are some first date  don'ts:

Do not talk about your ex, even if you are still not over him or he's stalking you.  Besides he's your ex for a reason and if you are just out for the free meal no need to explain the psychology of your ex.

Do not give a play-by-play of your entire life, just bruush over the signifigant things,  i.e. where you grew up and where you went to school. There is no need to include that Ray Ray pulled your pig tails in the 4th grade.

Do not monopolize the conversation and let him get a word in.  You need to have more to say than "He's a good listener,"  to your friends when they ask how your date went.

Do not drink too much, not only does this loosen your tounge and lower your inhabitions but it opens up many posibilities of things to go wrong.  It's hard to recover from throw on a windsheild.

Do not talk on the phone, unless there is an emergency with your child or ailing grandmother nothing should distract you from your date.

Do not ask to many personal questions.  A male frind had a women ask him, why he k ept his son so much and needless to say that first date was a last date.

Lasty, do not  take away all of the mystery.  Leave some things to be discovered.

So if you are on a date and find yourself spewing information all over the place take a breath and just remember you have to have something to talk about on your secoond date.

Mimi

Reasons He Won't Marry You

How does Beyonce's song go?  "Cause if you liked it then you should of put a ring on it" Well here are a few reasons why you will not get that ring.

1.  You nag, nag, nag.  Stop it! Most men have a very low tolerance for nagging.  Do you hear them going around crying because you didn't wash the dishes?  Then stop crying about him not taking out the trash!

2.  Stop rushing him or giving him an ultimatum to marry you.  Why would you want to force a man to marry you?

3.  He doesn't want to get married.   But you wouldn't of known that because you never got to know him when you first met.  Most women can avoid these dead end relationships if they just merely COMMUNICATE.  If you know that marriage is of high importance to you, why wouldn't you ask a man you are about to date if he feels the same?  The minute he said "no", that was your cue to hit the door but nooooooooooooooo.  If marriage is #2 on your dating list and it's # 9 on his, why would you waste time with him?

4.  Your mouth.  Everything doesn't have to be a argument.  You do not have to have the last word each and every single time.

5.  You're insecure and jealous.  You know that woman you accused him of sleeping with? Well guess what honey?  It was his aunt!

6.  You do not trust him.

7. He's not ready.  Just because you fall in love easily doesn't mean he does or that he should.

8.  Let him lead.  Let him be a man.  Don't belittle him or his dreams just because he's not at a place that YOU think he should be.  Your dream was to go off to college and become a teacher and you did that.  His dream is to open up a chain of barbershops or auto shops, let him do that.

9.  Stop letting your family and your friends make decisions for your relationship.

10.  Stop trying to change him.

11.  Sex.  Keep on believing that lie 'sex is not important.'

I bet you're asking yourself 'well is this writer married?'  The answer is no.  I am not married because I'm in no rush to be married.   I'm in a good healthy relationship with a great man and when that day comes, it comes.  We will not rush each other down the aisle.  Go ask 10 male friends if these are some of the reasons why he would not marry.  I belive he will say yes to more than half of these.  Now go get that ring Beyonce is singing about!

Ok, AnjelMarie gave some great examples, but I just had to elaborate and add one. Enjoy.

1.  You nag, nag, nag.  Stop it! Most men have a very low tolerance for nagging.  Do you hear them going around crying because you didn't wash the dishes?  Then stop crying about him not taking out the trash!        In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.  So what trash didn’t go out was that the last time it will ever be picked up again.  Some men can be forgetful, if he is open to it, I repeat if he is open to it, write a chore list for household duties and both of you have to make an effort to check it.  So don’t you go getting an attitude because he reminded you that you didn’t unload the dishwasher.

2.  Stop rushing him or giving him an ultimatum to marry you.  Why would you want to force a man to marry you?   For the ladies that have a good man, a la Ben Affleck in “He’s Just Not That Into You”, just let your man love you.  Tell him how important marriage is to you and why.  Talk to other successfully married couples, but don’t force him, he has to make the decision on his own.  For the ladies with men you know you have no business even wanting to marry, LEAVE HIM ALONE.  Be glad that he is not going to waste your time by marrying you when he’s not ready or might not even be that into you.

3.  He doesn't want to get married.   But you wouldn't of known that because you never got to know him when you first met.  Most women can avoid these dead end relationships if they just merely COMMUNICATE.  If you know that marriage is of high importance to you, why wouldn't you ask a man you are about to date if he feels the same?  The minute he said "no", that was your cue to hit the door but nooooooooooooooo.  If marriage is #2 on your dating list and it's # 9 on his, why would you waste time with him?   Nothing more to say, you have to know your man.

4.  Your mouth.  Everything doesn't have to be a argument.  You do not have to have the last word each and every single time.  I couldn’t agree more, sometimes we all get caught up in our women liberation moments, no there is nothing wrong with women’s liberation, and we don’t let our men be men.  If your man is respectful of you and your opinions, then you need to reciprocate that.  If he is not respectful, why are you with him, zip your lips because he’s not worth the good O2, and walk away from the conversation and him.

5.  You're insecure and jealous.  You know that woman you accused him of sleeping with? Well guess what honey?  It was his aunt!  Not all men cheat, communicate with your man, get to know his habits and, tell him what you think.  Sometimes you just have to trust your man.  If he is not trustworthy, leave him.  If you’re just suspicious, check yourself before you go accusing someone of infidelity.

6.  You do not trust him.  I know men may have hurt you in the past but that’s not his fault.  Try trusting him until he gives you a real reason not to.

Note: If your man has betrayed your trust before and you forgave him, forgive him, for real. Don’t hold it over his head and don’t remind him of how understanding you are cause damn it your not a saint.  If you can’t really forgive him then it will always be an issue in your relationship.

7. He's not ready.  Just because you fall in love easily doesn't mean he does or that he should. Face it ladies most men don’t know what they want and if you try to force them to do something their natural instinct to run comes in.  Evaluate your relationship, do you believe he’s in love with you, do you believe he will marry you one day, and most important are you ok with your relationship on a whole, excluding the marriage issue.

8.  Let him lead.  Let him be a man.  Don't belittle him or his dreams just because he's not at a place that YOU think he should be.  Your dream was to go off to college and become a teacher and you did that.  His dream is to open up a chain of barbershops or auto shops, let him do that.  Why would you belittle someone you choose to be with?  If you think so little of him then you don’t need to be with him.  We all have different capacities, goals and ambitions.  Let your man be him, isn’t that what attracted you to him in the first place?

NOTE: Let’s face it these days women are matching and even beating men in their ability to provide. This is not a reason to miss out on a great man.  Great men come with BMW and bus passes.  The ideal relation is one where you enhance each other, if you have the big paycheck and he has a smaller paycheck (unless he is a student, stay-at-home dad, retired or disabled in some way he should be working), and the care and love you’ve always craved then that sound like an enhancement in both of your lives.  I very much think that the ability to handle the money you have is very important but don’t let his paycheck determine what can be a good endeavor.

9.  Stop letting your family and your friends make decisions for your relationship. There are two issues here 1) Why are you letting your family and friends control you? Stop it, you are grown.  2) Why do they know all of your business?  We all want someone to talk to about our relationships but the problem is your mostly talk when your complaining so it’s no wonder your friends and family don’t like him.  Find a new approach, if you don’t praise your man, no one will.

10.  Stop trying to change him.  HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.  Get a new job, maybe.  Get a new wardrobe, maybe.  But his core being is his core being, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE and neither are you so stop accepting what you don’t like and move on..

11.  Sex.  Keep on believing that lie 'sex is not important.'  Unless you talked about not having sex in the beginning of the relationship, you can not unilaterally decide one day that you are not having sex without discussing it with your man.  You should never withhold sex when you’re mad, why punish yourself.  Angry sex is the best kind.  If you are not enjoying it chances are he’s not either so talk to him about it.  If you have no libido find something that will get your engine purring.

12. Cheating.  We often focus on men being the cheaters but there are quite a few women out there that do the same.  Even if your man has cheated on you, and you forgave him don’t expect him to do the same.  Underneath all of that brawn, men are sensitive.  Examine your reasons for cheating, maybe you’re not the one ready for the relationship, or at least not one with him.

- Mimi